This article explores the experience of a gay man entering academia in an oppressive conservative culture, creating impossible contradictions between who they are and who academia wants them to be. Professional norms of academia clash with stereotypes of what ‘gay’ looks like to produce a suffocating costume that we often feel is necessary to survive. The article advocates for representation of minority groups in academia to expand ideas of who we can be – and for PhD students to care for one another and embrace our unique stories and identities.